The Day I Found Real HOPE

February 18, 2004.

Jay was five months into treatment and had relapsed. The cancer cells in his brain were causing life-threatening seizures and we spent two weeks in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit at St. Jude trying to get them under control. Every 2-5 minutes, day and night, for 14 straight days, the seizures would ravish his little body. Not only did I feel helpless, but I witnessed our medical team feeling helpless. The moment that will be forever etched in my mind, was when the head Oncologist was shaking Jay and screaming, “Jay, breathe! Jay, breathe!” He is the mack-daddy, world-renown specialist on Jay’s type of tumor. He is the go-to doctor we had heard about, read about and traveled close to 500 miles to see. Since diagnosis, he had been so calm, confident and always had the answers. Anytime I would freak out, he knew just what to say to calm me down. I had complete trust in him. Now, not only was I freaking, but our mack-daddy-world-renown-go-to Doctor was freaking! I remember standing there listening to everyone panicking, watching my child turn blue and thinking, “Now what? Now what do we do?” Then, in the midst of all the chaos, I heard God speak. Not in a loud audible voice, it was more like a soothing whisper to my soul. He said, “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalms 46:10) and “Against all hope, in HOPE believe.” (Romans 4:18)

In what appeared to be a hopeless situation, I found real HOPE. Not a false hope in what man could do, but a real HOPE in what God could do.

This is a journal entry I wrote at the end of 2004.

HOPE is Real

“Dear Jay, Get well soon. I hope you feel better soon. I made this just for you. I am praying for you every night. You are special. Merry Christmas. Please do not give up hope.”

These are the words from the first and second graders at Kaitlyn’s school. Their art class made cards for Jay this week. A number of these children have been praying for Jay for over a year now, but most of them have never even met Jay. It was so touching to read their heartfelt messages to Jay and to see all the beautiful art work. Jay has also enjoyed looking at them and asking, “What does this one say Mama?” As I was reading them to Jay, one card in particular caught my attention. It is from a little boy who is probably about seven years old. He wrote, “Dear Jay, I hope you feel better soon. My name is Jonathan. We will keep you in our prayers. Please do not give up hope.” Now what does a second grader know about hope? When I was in second grade, hope to me was my brother and I Christmas Eve hoping that Santa remember everything on our list. We would lie awake for hours naming all the toys we were “hoping” for. As I got older, hope encompassed all of my wishes and dreams. I recall many times hoping that no one would see me getting out of my Daddy's station wagon at the movies, or saying,“Oh, I sure hope that cute guy in algebra ask me out" or "I hope I can pass algebra so I can get that new car for my 16th birthday.” “I hope to get into the college of my choice.” “I hope to have a successful career one day.” I hoped to get married, have children, live in a nice house, drive a nice car, and be the picture perfect “normal” family. Sound familiar? Isn’t that what society tells us we should aspire for? Success, happiness, and just to be “NORMAL”? Before September 16th 2003 my “hopes” and dreams were a reality. God had blessed us and I had more than I could have ever hoped for. We were just a normal family. In hindsight, I had it all wrong. I was placing my hope and happiness in all the wrong places. I was ignorant to the true meaning of HOPE. Over the past 15 months, Jason and I have come to know and understand true HOPE. Hope in our Lord Jesus Christ that reassures us that no matter how hopeless our situation appears, we know that our God will not fail us. There have been many times during this journey that we could not see or feel the HOPE, but we knew in our hearts that it was(and is)still there. How do we know for sure? Because the Word of God promises us real HOPE.


Psalm 39: 7 "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My HOPE is in you."


Psalm 42: 11 "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your HOPE in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."


Psalm 25: 4,5 "Show me the path where I should walk, O LORD; point out the right road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my HOPE in you."


Psalm 25: 3 "No one whose HOPE is in you will ever be put to shame."


Psalm 33: 18 "But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose HOPE is in his unfailing love."


Psalm 119: 49 "Remember your promise to me, for it is my only HOPE."




One definition for HOPE is: To look forward to with confidence or expectation. When we have HOPE, we have life. It is more than just asking God for something we so bad need. Somewhere in the midst of asking, believing, and expecting God to answer, we will find what we are looking for.


It has taken me over thirty years to finally understand, but at the tender age of seven, Jonathan (the 2nd grader) is learning the true meaning of HOPE. What a blessing!


This is from one of my daily devotions this week:


“Trust God. He wants you to trust Him. You need to agree with God about your situation. What does God say about who you are and what His will is for your life? Don't go by your feelings. Instead we should remind ourselves that God only has plans for us that are good. Jeremiah helps us remember what God has to say about us. "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a HOPE" (Jeremiah 29:11).


Jay is doing well. His counts are dropping, but for the most part he is feeling good. As for the rest of us, we have been enjoying the Christmas season and visiting with family and friends. We were able to surprise my family in Brunswick this past weekend by showing up at our annual Christmas party. Last year’s party we were still in Memphis, and this year we were expecting Jay’s counts to be too low to attend. Friday morning’s counts were better than expected so we packed up the truck and headed south! The party was held in a barn out in Mt. Pleasant, Georgia...just after Sterlin’ but right before Jesup...very fitting for the little bit of “redneck” in us! It was so good to see everyone and everyone was so surprised to see us. The kids had a blast playing with their cousins(all 12 of them!), getting lots of hugs and kisses from Grandparents, Aunts, and Uncles, going on hay rides, seeing Santa, and opening presents. Then Sunday before we left, Jay insisted on driving Pappa’s new boat...despite that it was thirty degrees outside! So we bundled up and Captain Jay took us all on a scenic cruise of the river.

This week will also be full of festive activities. Kaitlyn is singing in her Christmas pageant at church tonight, her school program is Friday, and this weekend will be spent baking cookies and trying to finish my Christmas shopping. I have always loved this time of year, but as you can imagine the past two years have brought new meaning to my Christmas spirit. My Christmas is now filled with the peace of HOPE that has lifted me out of darkness and into the light of Jesus Christ.


“A Child would be born and given to bring HOPE into the hearts and lives of the hopeless. This Child was the "Light of the World" (John 8:9) and He came to pierce the darkness that we might live. The Child of HOPE is Jesus! The One whose birth, our hope, we celebrate at Christmas.”


Where is your hope today? Is it wrapped up in the expectations of a gift under the tree? Is it lost in the darkness that surrounds your life? We all need to learn to hope again, for there's always HOPE and the HOPE we have in Jesus is real!

*************************************

A few weeks ago, I walked into the grocery store wearing a shirt that says, “HOPE Keeps Us Going”. As I passed a guy that had an Obama “Got Hope” shirt on, he stopped me and said, “Hey, I like your shirt!” and pointed to his with pride. Being very annoyed, I rolled my eyes and said, “Different kind of hope.” While I am certainly not here to debate politics, I am here to defend my HOPE. The same HOPE that sustained me through an almost three year battle with childhood cancer, the HOPE that held me tightly as I said “see ya later” to my sweet Jay, the HOPE that keeps me going until the day that I am reunited with him, and the HOPE that Jason and I have been called to share with others.

That my friends, is REAL HOPE!

Captain Jay- 2004

“HOPE is not the conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that one day it will makes sense, regardless of how it turns out."

I Never Leave Your Hands

Love, love this song. It really speaks to my soul.



Your Hands- By JJ Heller

I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble I wish wasn’t there

And I have asked a thousand ways

That you would take my pain away

You would take my pain away


I am trying to understand

How to walk this weary land

Make straight the paths that crooked lie

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine


When my world is shaking, heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave your hands


When you walked upon the earth

You healed the broken, lost and hurt

I know you hate to see me cry

One day you will set all things right

Yeah, one day you will set all things right



When my world is shaking, heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave your hands


Your hands that shaped the world

Are holding me

They hold me still....

I still dare to HOPE when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, "The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will HOPE in him!"
-Lamentations 3:21-24

Top 10 Reason Why I Love Jones County

The new Jones County Magazine was recently published and there is a great article in there on Jay's HOPE. The article was written by my sweet neighbor, Alika Rosser. As I was reading through the magazine, it reminded me of why I love living here. Jason and I have lived in JC twice and the first time was right after we married.  We bought a piece of land and built our first home--we also had a baby, Jason changed careers and I became a stay-at-home mom all in the same year.  Yes, we were trying to prove everyone wrong by doing all the things you are not suppose to do your first year of marriage! We are hardheaded like that. Five years later, we thought the grass was greener on the other side and moved back to Macon. Two years later, we discovered that the grass is not greener and that a shopping center was moving next door. We quickly packed up the ole' truck and moved back to Jones County. We have now been here for a little over four years and have no plans of leavin' anytime soon! 

For fun, I have come up with a "Top 10" list of why I love living in Jones County:


#10-When giving directions to my house, a local business named Clampitt’s is a landmark. And if you get to LITE-N-TIE Road, you have gone too far.

#9-At Hillside Country Store, we can get our gas, bait, good pizza AND have a deer processed. What more could a girl want?

#8-Old Clinton Barbeque. The name says it all.

#7-We have the nicest and cleanest Dairy Queen this side of Georgia!

#6-Only in JC can you get away with wearing cut-off jean shorts, wife beaters, work boots and pool shoes to the gym. And to top it off, you can drink Mountain Dew while doing cardio.

#5-During a recent local election, guys named Gus and Rooster ran for office.

#4-Gus, who previously owned “Gus’s Bait and Tackle”, won and is now our new Mayor.

#3-JC schools recently made the news because a GIRL was suspended for having a crossbow in her pickup truck. Word is she went hunting before school.

#2- If a city police officer sees you committing a traffic violation, just smile and wave. He will think he knows you from either high school or church and will not pull you over.



And the #1 reason I love living in JC is.....



I can go out of the house looking like this:

And no one would ever notice......

(in the left corner is Kasey the Wonder Dog, just one of our 8 animals. Jason is behind me burning the Christmas tree in the yard that the kids just roasted marshmallows over...and I'm not really sure what to say about me except that this JC girl was not prepared for the COLD and this was my version of a snowsuit-without the snow!)

As you can see, we fit in nicely!

2010 Restart

I spent the first week of the New Year in business meetings recapping 2009 and planning for 2010. Meeting after meeting, I was seeing a growing theme.

2009 Recap- Banks collapse; housing market goes to pot; auto industry grinds to a halt; jobs lost; homes foreclosed; significant cuts in income; savings and retirement accounts gone; and a nation divided on politics, war and health care reform.

Overall Consensus- It has been a depressing year

2010 Predictions – Some say more of the same. Some say the worst is yet to come. Some say it can only get better.

Overall consensus- Proceed with caution

To be totally honest, all the “doom and gloom” had me off to a bad start.

Until God reminded me of one of my favorite Christmas songs:

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day

I heard the bells on Christmas day


Their old familiar carols play,


And wild and sweet the words repeat


Of peace on earth, good will to men.


And thought how, as the day had come,


The belfries of all Christendom


Had rolled along the unbroken song


Of peace on earth, good will to men.


Till ringing, singing on its way


The world revolved from night to day,


A voice, a chime, a chant sublime


Of peace on earth, good will to men.


Then from each black, accursed mouth


The cannon thundered in the South,


And with the sound the carols drowned


Of peace on earth, good will to men.


It was as if an earthquake rent


The hearth-stones of a continent,


And made forlorn, the households born


Of peace on earth, good will to men.


And in despair I bowed my head


“There is no peace on earth,” I said,


“For hate is strong and mocks the song


Of peace on earth, good will to men.”


Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:


“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;


The wrong shall fail, the right prevail


With peace on earth, good will to men.”


It is an “oldie but goodie” that was re-recorded by Casting Crowns a couple of years ago. In 1863, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote the words to this song when our country was greatly divided by the Civil War. Henry’s words speak of the sounds of war, the hatred among men and the despair and fear that was consuming his world.

Overall consensus- It had been a depressing year

After his recap, Henry ends the song with certainty and anticipation:

“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep; The wrong shall fail, the right prevail.

Overall Consensus- There is HOPE

The first part of this powerful stanza reminds us that even when everything is crumbling around us, God is not dead, He does not sleep and He is still on the throne. Hebrew 13:8 tells us, “He is the same yesterday, today and forever.” The second part gives us comfort that despite how things appear, the evil shall fail and God’s children will prevail. Psalm 125:1-2 says, “Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever. As mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds his people both now and forevermore.”

Today is the second week of the New Year and I am declaring a restart! While it is true that we do not know what 2010 has up its sleeve, God is calling all of us to have HOPE. A HOPE that reassures us that our unchanging, all-powerful God is active in our world and lives, a HOPE that will prevail over evil, a HOPE that will not be shaken and a HOPE that will endure forever.

As I restart my year, I thank God for changing my attitude through the words of this 1863 classic song. I  also want to challenge us to cling to the verse that appears at the top of this blog:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” -Romans 15:13

Overflowing with HOPE,
Cindy

Our Sweet Baby Jay

was born 9 years ago today. Weighing in at 8 lbs 14oz, William Jason Gaskins entered this world fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). He was knit together in my womb and every day of his life was recorded in God’s book (Psalm 139:13-16). On January 5th, 2001 at 5:00AM, our Jay was born to us with a sovereign purpose. A purpose of peace and not disaster, a purpose of a future filled with HOPE (Jeremiah 29:11).

When Jay was diagnosed with cancer at the age of two, I was told that the seeds of the tumor were formed in my womb and continued to slowly grow after he was born. Medically speaking, something went awry in his DNA that caused the cancerous cells and there was a defect. Awry is defined as, "away from the correct or expected course.” Defect is defined as, “a lack of something necessary for perfection; an imperfection.” Both of these definitions imply a mistake, and for years I was guilt-ridden that maybe I had something to do with why Jay had cancer. After all, the “bad” seeds had grown inside of me.

In Exodus 4:11, God asked Moses, “Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who give him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? In John 9:1-3, Jesus and the disciples were walking along and saw a man who had been blind from birth. The Disciples asked, “Rabbi, why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?” Jesus answered, “It was not because of his sins or his parent’s sins. This happened so that the power of God could be seen in him.” God didn’t tell Moses that He only permitted deafness or blindness. He said that He created people with those conditions. In the New Testament, Jesus declares that there was a divine, sovereign purpose in the man’s blindness.

Seven months into treatment, Jay and I were able to return home from Memphis. Multiple surgeries, radiation and chemotherapy had taken a toll on his little body. He was thin, pale, bald, scarred and he had a tracheotomy and a feeding tube. His appearance was somewhat shocking to others, especially strangers who did not know our story. One day, the kids and I went to lunch at a local sandwich shop. Jay was tired and I was holding him while ordering our food. Like many times before, I was trying my best to ignore the stares, but I noticed a young woman who couldn’t keep her eyes off of Jay. I could tell that Jay had noticed because he was burying his head into my chest. Being the overprotective Mama, I turned to this woman and said, “Can I help you?”(((insert sarcasm))) People had said some real boneheaded things over the past 7 months, but I was totally caught off guard with what came out of her mouth. She cocked her head, looked straight at Jay and said, “Was he born like that?” Not really knowing how to respond, I just said, “No” and moved on. Of course, I have thought of so many comebacks that would have been so good! But, I am ashamed to say that most of them would not have been very Christ like. Now, almost six years later and with a renewed Biblical perspective, I know exactly what I should have said, minus the sarcasm.

"Yes ma’am, he was born just like this. Unmistakably perfect, completely wonderful and purposefully made."


As the mother of a child who was born with what our medical community called a “defect”, I can now find great comfort in knowing that nothing happens randomly or because of bad genes or bad luck. God is all sovereign, full of grace and does not make mistakes. Romans 8:28-30 tells us that, "In all things God works for good with those who love him, those whom he has called according to his purpose. Those whom God had already chosen he also set apart to become like his Son, so that the Son would be the first among many brothers. And so those whom God set apart, he called; and those he called, he put right with himself, and he shared his glory with them."


Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you that we are able to celebrate the birth of our sweet Baby Jay today, who was fearfully and wonderfully made in your image. Thank you for your sovereign purpose for him and for each of us. Jay’s five years of life were precious and beyond all treasure, and I thank you for entrusting Jason and I to be his parents. What an honor it has been.

Dear Baby Jay,

Today we will celebrate your birthday by having lunch at Chick-fil-A and dinner at Ingleside Pizza…two of your favorite places! Kaitlyn wants to bake you a cake(yellow with chocolate icing) and Tanner wants to send you 9 green balloons…your favorite color! We will tell stories, look at old pictures and find comfort in knowing that we will all be together again one day. We love you, Baby Jay and miss you so much.

Love and kisses,
Mommy, Daddy, Sissy and Tan Man