The Day I Found Real HOPE

February 18, 2004.

Jay was five months into treatment and had relapsed. The cancer cells in his brain were causing life-threatening seizures and we spent two weeks in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit at St. Jude trying to get them under control. Every 2-5 minutes, day and night, for 14 straight days, the seizures would ravish his little body. Not only did I feel helpless, but I witnessed our medical team feeling helpless. The moment that will be forever etched in my mind, was when the head Oncologist was shaking Jay and screaming, “Jay, breathe! Jay, breathe!” He is the mack-daddy, world-renown specialist on Jay’s type of tumor. He is the go-to doctor we had heard about, read about and traveled close to 500 miles to see. Since diagnosis, he had been so calm, confident and always had the answers. Anytime I would freak out, he knew just what to say to calm me down. I had complete trust in him. Now, not only was I freaking, but our mack-daddy-world-renown-go-to Doctor was freaking! I remember standing there listening to everyone panicking, watching my child turn blue and thinking, “Now what? Now what do we do?” Then, in the midst of all the chaos, I heard God speak. Not in a loud audible voice, it was more like a soothing whisper to my soul. He said, “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalms 46:10) and “Against all hope, in HOPE believe.” (Romans 4:18)

In what appeared to be a hopeless situation, I found real HOPE. Not a false hope in what man could do, but a real HOPE in what God could do.

This is a journal entry I wrote at the end of 2004.

HOPE is Real

“Dear Jay, Get well soon. I hope you feel better soon. I made this just for you. I am praying for you every night. You are special. Merry Christmas. Please do not give up hope.”

These are the words from the first and second graders at Kaitlyn’s school. Their art class made cards for Jay this week. A number of these children have been praying for Jay for over a year now, but most of them have never even met Jay. It was so touching to read their heartfelt messages to Jay and to see all the beautiful art work. Jay has also enjoyed looking at them and asking, “What does this one say Mama?” As I was reading them to Jay, one card in particular caught my attention. It is from a little boy who is probably about seven years old. He wrote, “Dear Jay, I hope you feel better soon. My name is Jonathan. We will keep you in our prayers. Please do not give up hope.” Now what does a second grader know about hope? When I was in second grade, hope to me was my brother and I Christmas Eve hoping that Santa remember everything on our list. We would lie awake for hours naming all the toys we were “hoping” for. As I got older, hope encompassed all of my wishes and dreams. I recall many times hoping that no one would see me getting out of my Daddy's station wagon at the movies, or saying,“Oh, I sure hope that cute guy in algebra ask me out" or "I hope I can pass algebra so I can get that new car for my 16th birthday.” “I hope to get into the college of my choice.” “I hope to have a successful career one day.” I hoped to get married, have children, live in a nice house, drive a nice car, and be the picture perfect “normal” family. Sound familiar? Isn’t that what society tells us we should aspire for? Success, happiness, and just to be “NORMAL”? Before September 16th 2003 my “hopes” and dreams were a reality. God had blessed us and I had more than I could have ever hoped for. We were just a normal family. In hindsight, I had it all wrong. I was placing my hope and happiness in all the wrong places. I was ignorant to the true meaning of HOPE. Over the past 15 months, Jason and I have come to know and understand true HOPE. Hope in our Lord Jesus Christ that reassures us that no matter how hopeless our situation appears, we know that our God will not fail us. There have been many times during this journey that we could not see or feel the HOPE, but we knew in our hearts that it was(and is)still there. How do we know for sure? Because the Word of God promises us real HOPE.


Psalm 39: 7 "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My HOPE is in you."


Psalm 42: 11 "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your HOPE in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."


Psalm 25: 4,5 "Show me the path where I should walk, O LORD; point out the right road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my HOPE in you."


Psalm 25: 3 "No one whose HOPE is in you will ever be put to shame."


Psalm 33: 18 "But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose HOPE is in his unfailing love."


Psalm 119: 49 "Remember your promise to me, for it is my only HOPE."




One definition for HOPE is: To look forward to with confidence or expectation. When we have HOPE, we have life. It is more than just asking God for something we so bad need. Somewhere in the midst of asking, believing, and expecting God to answer, we will find what we are looking for.


It has taken me over thirty years to finally understand, but at the tender age of seven, Jonathan (the 2nd grader) is learning the true meaning of HOPE. What a blessing!


This is from one of my daily devotions this week:


“Trust God. He wants you to trust Him. You need to agree with God about your situation. What does God say about who you are and what His will is for your life? Don't go by your feelings. Instead we should remind ourselves that God only has plans for us that are good. Jeremiah helps us remember what God has to say about us. "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a HOPE" (Jeremiah 29:11).


Jay is doing well. His counts are dropping, but for the most part he is feeling good. As for the rest of us, we have been enjoying the Christmas season and visiting with family and friends. We were able to surprise my family in Brunswick this past weekend by showing up at our annual Christmas party. Last year’s party we were still in Memphis, and this year we were expecting Jay’s counts to be too low to attend. Friday morning’s counts were better than expected so we packed up the truck and headed south! The party was held in a barn out in Mt. Pleasant, Georgia...just after Sterlin’ but right before Jesup...very fitting for the little bit of “redneck” in us! It was so good to see everyone and everyone was so surprised to see us. The kids had a blast playing with their cousins(all 12 of them!), getting lots of hugs and kisses from Grandparents, Aunts, and Uncles, going on hay rides, seeing Santa, and opening presents. Then Sunday before we left, Jay insisted on driving Pappa’s new boat...despite that it was thirty degrees outside! So we bundled up and Captain Jay took us all on a scenic cruise of the river.

This week will also be full of festive activities. Kaitlyn is singing in her Christmas pageant at church tonight, her school program is Friday, and this weekend will be spent baking cookies and trying to finish my Christmas shopping. I have always loved this time of year, but as you can imagine the past two years have brought new meaning to my Christmas spirit. My Christmas is now filled with the peace of HOPE that has lifted me out of darkness and into the light of Jesus Christ.


“A Child would be born and given to bring HOPE into the hearts and lives of the hopeless. This Child was the "Light of the World" (John 8:9) and He came to pierce the darkness that we might live. The Child of HOPE is Jesus! The One whose birth, our hope, we celebrate at Christmas.”


Where is your hope today? Is it wrapped up in the expectations of a gift under the tree? Is it lost in the darkness that surrounds your life? We all need to learn to hope again, for there's always HOPE and the HOPE we have in Jesus is real!

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A few weeks ago, I walked into the grocery store wearing a shirt that says, “HOPE Keeps Us Going”. As I passed a guy that had an Obama “Got Hope” shirt on, he stopped me and said, “Hey, I like your shirt!” and pointed to his with pride. Being very annoyed, I rolled my eyes and said, “Different kind of hope.” While I am certainly not here to debate politics, I am here to defend my HOPE. The same HOPE that sustained me through an almost three year battle with childhood cancer, the HOPE that held me tightly as I said “see ya later” to my sweet Jay, the HOPE that keeps me going until the day that I am reunited with him, and the HOPE that Jason and I have been called to share with others.

That my friends, is REAL HOPE!

Captain Jay- 2004

“HOPE is not the conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that one day it will makes sense, regardless of how it turns out."